The Gentleman's Guide to Everyday Eavesdropping
by mistyblues
Summary: "Speaking of phalluses, there was a rumour going around Phantom that Gajeel-kun's is pierced... Ne, Levy-san, is it like making love with a cheese grater?" Where the boys discover the seedy underbelly of girl-talk. — Borderline crack. Two-shot.


**Author's Notes: **Fairy Tail belongs to the lovely Trollshima. I am merely channelling his aura for this piece of actual balderdash.

* * *

**Saturday**

Looking back, it was Natsu's fault. As things often are. But, more specifically, when he decided that girls' night out was code for Plotting World Domination.

"Think about it," he insisted. "Every Friday, they sneak off to god-knows-where—"

"A bar," supplied Gray.

"—and spend _hours_ talking—"

"Salamander, have you met a human woman?" Gajeel wanted to know.

"—and come back all giggly—"

Jellal blinked a few times. "Like... they've been drinking?"

"—and Lucy's so smug about it when I ask! _Sweetie_," Natsu mimicked a high-pitched voice, "_put that dragon slayer nose to better use than sniffing around my business_." He smacked an outraged fist on the guild table. "I sleep in her bed, read her stories and I've seen her topless more times than necessary—not that I'm, uh, complaining—but _this_ is where she draws the line?"

"Excellent point, Flame-brain."

"Why, thank you, Gray."

"Maybe you should stop doing all those things before she files a restraining order."

"Fuck you, Gray."

As Jellal attempted to diffuse the obligatory brawl that followed, he figured this was the last they'd hear about this conspiracy theory... Right?

* * *

**Monday**

"Aren't you unimaginative turds curious?" demanded Natsu, in the middle of what was supposed to be a peaceful lunch. "They're scheming!"

Gajeel snorted. "More like whinin' about not being able to walk in those pointy shoes they keep savin' up to buy."

"The S-Class retrials are next month..." Natsu continued, eyes beginning to gleam with a fevered light that had never heralded good news. "I bet they're ganging up to take us down one by one!"

Gray paused, mid-scoff.

But Gajeel smirked. "Nah, Shrimp's too sweet on me to pull a stunt like that."

Mirajane, who had been refilling their tankards, smiled sunnily. "They also probably rate the sexual competence of their boyfriends."

Gajeel choked on a mouthful of metal fork.

Sensing he had only one candidate left to sway, Natsu waved his chicken leg at Jellal who was grimly refusing eye contact. "C'mon... Don't you wanna know Erza's type?"

* * *

**Wednesday**

"—just saying that if Lucy and Levy _are_ talking strategy, we're in deep shit. Hell, Erza could be giving them tips! And if Juvia puts her mind to something..." Gray blanched; memories of being chased all over Magnolia, surfacing. "We've got to check out the competition."

Gajeel's head bobbed up and down in a jerky motion. "Yep, yep. For the competition, right fellas?"

"But they'll spot us right away..." tried Jellal.

"Then we go undercover, like ninjas!" said Natsu, wrapping his scarf around his face.

"Gray-samaaa, there you are!" The man in question looked up to see Juvia hurtling towards their huddled corner at the speed of light, a box of pocky clutched in her hand. All the blood drained out of his face to match his name.

"Crap! Okay. Friday—supply closet—7 o' clo—umph!"

As the guys left their nakama's cries for help behind, Jellal resigned himself to his fate. _Maybe I can accompany them on this ridiculous quest simply to ensure things don't get out of hand..._

Meanwhile, Natsu was rubbing his hands together in glee. "Wait till you guys see my disguise! Hell, you won't know it's m—"

* * *

**Friday **  
**7:04 PM**

"Your hair is _pink_."

"Fuck off, at least my dong isn't out."

"I meant it's a dead giveaway," snapped Gray, yanking up his overalls. "Get a hat or something."

"Oh. Right."

"Geehee."

"Sir, what are you laughing at?" he turned to Gajeel with thinly veiled disdain. "All you did was put on a ratty moustache."

"Tch."

The door of the supply closet suddenly opened and Jellal slipped inside. "Umm, hello."

There was a long stretch of silence broken by Gray going, "See, _that's_ what a disguise is supposed to look like, you buffoons!"

.

.

.

It took the better part of thirty minutes to peer-pressure Gajeel out of his piercings.

"I feel naked," he muttered, unscrewing the last stud. "And these stretchy things," he snapped the orange suspenders that Gray had shoved at him, "_hurt_."

"Well, be a big boy for one evening and Levy can kiss it better."

"Maybe I should tell Rain Woman you're testing her love."

"O-Oi, oi."

Natsu, on the other hand, was thriving. Having tucked his hair into a moth-eaten beanie salvaged from a dusty shelf, he was dabbing a little sponge over the scar on his cheek.

"What'd you say this shit was called?"

"Foundation," replied Jellal, whose tattoo was masterfully concealed under four layers of Beige Glory.

"_Dude_. It makes my skin all..."

"Luminous?"

"Yeah. That."

.

.

.

By the time they'd managed to wrangle everyone into serviceable get-ups, Gray was ready to ice-make a bazooka and shoot himself in the head. But the girls were waving goodbye to Mira-chan, as he peered through a crack in the door, so he postponed it for later.

"Okay, let's follow them—" he caught the scruff of Natsu's haori as he lunged, "—after a headstart." When they counted to hundred and then sprinted out of the guild, the girls were farther down the street. "Make no noise, stick to the shadows and be prepared to duck if they turn."

"...Should I be worried that you know so much about stalking?" asked Jellal.

"Ice Princess just learnt from the best," sniggered Natsu.

Twenty minutes later, despite having to crouch behind the occasional trashcan (and Gajeel almost outing their location by trying to kidnap a feline companion for Lily) they were somehow seated at an adjoining booth.

A partition shielded the girls from view, but Lucy's delicate voice floated across the thin barrier...

"Alright ladies, who's up for some debauchery?"


End file.
